By Georgia Jackson, University Communications and Marketing
The winter holidays remind us of the value of spending time with loved ones, embracing the spirit of giving, celebrating new beginnings and setting intentions for the new year. But, for many, the holidays are a time of great stress, brought on by complex family dynamics, financial tensions and other seasonal challenges.
"The holidays bring extra demands,” says Lisa Penney, a stress researcher in the USF Muma College of Business, whose three strategies for managing holiday stress emphasize looking closely at what’s being demanded of us, as well as the demands we choose to take on. “We tend to go all out because it’s tradition. We don’t consciously stop and think about what we’re doing and why. We jump into autopilot, and we don’t notice how much it’s costing us or how exhausted it’s making us.”
The goal, according to Penney, isn’t to avoid stress entirely, but to adjust our expectations accordingly. “We’ll enjoy the holidays more if we create more balance. This requires pausing to ask ourselves what we have, what we need and what we truly want to give."
Practice your ABCs
In her 2019 TedTalk, “Don’t believe everything you think,” Penney uses a mnemonic to help the audience break free from the way the brain operates under stress.
“First, be aware that your brain will default to making fast decisions, not necessarily good ones,” Penney says. “And what we do quickly is what we already know how to do, which is what we’ve always done in the past. However, what worked in the past may not work now.”
Second, Penney instructs the audience to breathe.
“Taking a deep breath tells your body you’re safe, and it reboots your brain’s ability to see clearly and think critically,” she says.
Third, Penney tells the audience to be curious.
“Ask yourself, ‘What’s the story I’m telling myself?’ and ‘Is it true?’” she says. “And remember, thoughts that are familiar will feel true, so don’t stop there.”
These ABCs helped Penney and her family break free from burdensome holiday traditions. It wasn’t until Penney and her family stopped to ask themselves whether they even enjoyed turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes that they realized they’d all prefer something else.
“We had a real, honest conversation," says Penney, whose family now celebrates the holidays with phở — her mother’s specialty.
Let go of perfection
Next, Penney recommends focusing on what is it we really want from experiences we might find stressful.
Unlike the turkey and mashed potatoes, Penney loved baking holiday cookies from scratch and wanted to share that with her niece. However, she quickly realized it was more of a chore than a joy.
“It was a lot of fun, but it’s a lot of work, and it takes all day,” says Penney, who pushed herself to reflect on what it was she really wanted from the experience. “The most fun part for us was cutting out the cookies and decorating them. That was a creative exercise that we would do together.”
Now, instead of making cookies from scratch with her niece, who often fell asleep partway through the process, Penney uses store-bought cookie dough.
“It's much faster, easier and we can get to the fun part sooner,” said Penney.
Remember, it's OK to not be OK
For those who have lost loved ones or associate the season with tension and stress, the holidays can trigger negative thoughts and memories.
A great example of how the social pressure to exude joy takes a toll on individuals, according to Penney, is “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” As a kid, Snoopy was her favorite, but in recent years she’s come to appreciate the forlorn hero.
“Here’s this kid who, in the midst of others’ joy and the social pressure to celebrate, has the courage to speak his profound personal truth: I’m not happy,” Penney says. “If, like Charlie Brown, we can find the courage to face unpleasant feelings, to make room for them, the space we open allows not just sadness and grief to move, but also gives love, connection and joy a chance to move, too. How else could he see the beauty in that little tree when no one else could?”
According to Penney, it’s perfectly normal to experience sadness and grief — especially around the winter holidays.
“These emotions are a natural by-product of the ebb and flow of life and, for many people, myself included, they are particularly salient this time of year,” says Penney. “Like all things, they come and they go. They are ordinary that way. If we don’t understand this, we may resist our grief. And what we resist persists because resisting narrows the focus of our attention, so we don’t see anything except what we’re resisting.”
Penney recommends we show ourselves kindness and compassion and give ourselves permission to sit with our feelings, whatever shape they might take.
“If you're not happy, that's OK,” Penney says. “Remember, that's not all there is, and you're not alone.”
Penney is a professor in the School of Information Systems and Management at USF Sarasota-Manatee. Her research on mindfulness, decision-making and performance outcomes was featured in Momentum magazine. Her TedTalk, “Don’t believe everything you think,” has been viewed over 50,000 times.